Offhandedly, I recently mentioned to an ex-boyfriend that I’ve always had a fantasy of taking a job stripping during college. He proceeded to text me a bunch of concerned questions. Here are his questions:
“How thoroughly have you thought this stripper thing through? I mean where would you work? What kind of things would you do? Where would you go to be taught? How would you grow within the industry? Heath risks? What your friends and family and even kids would think? The kinds of guys that you will attract to your life?”
I really thought long and hard about how to answer this barrage or questions. On the one hand, it’s not really his business. On the other hand, these are really great questions. Here are my answers below:
1) Thorough Thinking – I have written a 20 page term paper on stripping. My dad has brought me to three different adult bookstores where I have purchased no less than 50 magazines full of pictures of strippers stripping. And as I am writing this now, I am currently chatting with a stripper online.
2) Where to Work – Given the nature of the work, I would like to work someplace with a good heating system.
3) Things I Would Do - I am working on teaching my breasts to twirl in opposite directions. This is much harder than you would think.
4) Where Taught – Stripper School – As an upcoming ecdysiast, I would attend NUDE: The National University for Dance and Ecdysiasism.
5) Industry Growth - My dad is working with me to grow a second set of breasts on my back so I can please twice as many patrons at once. It is also my personal goal to become the Traci Lords of stripping. I’ve heard that stripping can lead to many other professions, including professional skinny-dipping, fine art modeling, professional shower and bath testing, and harlotry.
6) Health Risks – My mom has given me a wonderful naturopathic balm for pole-burn. My dad insisted I get flu shots. And I promise not to work in any clubs where the patrons have rabies.
7) What People Think – All of my current children are in agreement that the stripping career move seems an improvement over my last position as a glue scent tester. I’m not sure how my dad feels about it, but he keeps stuffing singles in my bra. And, mom is relieved that at least I’m not doing anything Republican.
8) Guys I Would Attract – Having dated a fair number of mouth breathers, droolers, handsy jerks, and chauvinistic pigs already, I think the patrons of the strip joints will remind me a great deal of my high school classmates and previous relationships and flirtations.
To the ex who was concerned, I really appreciate you helping me to explore whether stripping is right for me. I was considering giving it up. But, as I answered your questions, I realized something. Thanks to you, I simply cannot imagine another career path.
Love,
The Princess
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